Now I am by no means a religious person. I don't visit the synagogue, I don't pray, I don't keep the Sabath, or Kosher, or hide in modest clothing. But I do believe in the essence of the holidays, the values, and the lessons they come to teach us. And so I try to take to heart the meaning of the holiday.
Every year this holiday has a different affect on me, as I am sure it is for others. It all depends on everything that's happened to me since last Rosh Ha'Shana. As you all know, this year I am in a completely different place. Last year I spent the holiday with my husband, yes, the husband I will soon be divorcing from. Last year was all about family, and togetherness, and hopes for building our own little nest.
But now I am here on my own. I was with family earlier, and did see & talk to friends, so I am not alone, I am just on my own. And as I sit here I try to find the positive in things. I try to look ahead at this coming year, and promise myself it will be better. I make plans in my head, creating the path that will lead me to that better place. I think about everything I've done this past year, forgive myself for what I've done wrong, and congratulate myself on my successes. And then I think about our marriage... And as hard as I try to see the positive I keep being drawn back to the feeling of loss, to the bitterness, and to the anger. I try to think about forgiving, I should forgive him and move on, but that is so hard. Perhaps it's not him I should be forgiving, rather it is ME. I keep beating myself up on what I have done wrong. How did it all fall apart. I should realize there was nothing more I could have done, and that it is not my fault.
We all make mistakes, it is human nature. We need to learn from our mistakes, and move on, and make sure to never repeat a mistake.
Deep inside I know it will be better. Deep inside I know there is more out there for me. I guess I just have to go through all this to be able to see that...
I will leave you with some Blues. This is a song originally sang by Billie Holiday. Here are her lyrics. The video is of Ivri Lider, an Israeli singer songwriter with his version of that song.
The Man I Love
Someday he'll come along, The man I love
And he'll be big and strong, The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay
He'll look at me and smile, I'll understand
Then in a little while, He'll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won't say a word
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday, Maybe not
Still I'm sure to meet him, One day
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day
He'll build a little home, That's meant for two
From which I'll never roam, Who would, Would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love