Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Holidays Blues

It is Rosh Ha'Shana all over Israel now. That is the Jewish New Year. It is the first holiday of the year. The holiday that marks the end of summer, the start of colder days & nights, a change, a shift in the air. It is also one of the most spiritually loaded holiday as this marks the start of one's repent which lasts until Yom Kipur, the day we fast for 24+ hours, and at the end god decides on whether you are written in the book of life, or the book of dead. This is the time for soul searching, for self examination, for new resolutions, and self improvement. It is also a time of forgiveness. It is a time where one should let go of their anger or bitterness towards others, where one should rise up to be the bigger person and forgive.
Now I am by no means a religious person. I don't visit the synagogue, I don't pray, I don't keep the Sabath, or Kosher, or hide in modest clothing. But I do believe in the essence of the holidays, the values, and the lessons they come to teach us. And so I try to take to heart the meaning of the holiday.
Every year this holiday has a different affect on me, as I am sure it is for others. It all depends on everything that's happened to me since last Rosh Ha'Shana. As you all know, this year I am in a completely different place. Last year I spent the holiday with my husband, yes, the husband I will soon be divorcing from. Last year was all about family, and togetherness, and hopes for building our own little nest.
But now I am here on my own. I was with family earlier, and did see & talk to friends, so I am not alone, I am just on my own. And as I sit here I try to find the positive in things. I try to look ahead at this coming year, and promise myself it will be better. I make plans in my head, creating the path that will lead me to that better place. I think about everything I've done this past year, forgive myself for what I've done wrong, and congratulate myself on my successes. And then I think about our marriage... And as hard as I try to see the positive I keep being drawn back to the feeling of loss, to the bitterness, and to the anger. I try to think about forgiving, I should forgive him and move on, but that is so hard. Perhaps it's not him I should be forgiving, rather it is ME. I keep beating myself up on what I have done wrong. How did it all fall apart. I should realize there was nothing more I could have done, and that it is not my fault.
We all make mistakes, it is human nature. We need to learn from our mistakes, and move on, and make sure to never repeat a mistake.
Deep inside I know it will be better. Deep inside I know there is more out there for me. I guess I just have to go through all this to be able to see that...

I will leave you with some Blues. This is a song originally sang by Billie Holiday. Here are her lyrics. The video is of Ivri Lider, an Israeli singer songwriter with his version of that song.

The Man I Love

Someday he'll come along, The man I love
And he'll be big and strong, The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay

He'll look at me and smile, I'll understand
Then in a little while, He'll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won't say a word

Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday, Maybe not
Still I'm sure to meet him, One day
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day

He'll build a little home, That's meant for two
From which I'll never roam, Who would, Would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love


TheEye said...

Of course you will have days where you question every move you've ever made .... but hopefully those days become less and less at the forefront of your brain as you forge ahead and make change happen. Hugs to you, girl.

Coastal Sisters said...

I love that song.

Tali, it was really wonderful to learn more about the culture there.

Wonderful things await you my dear, I just know it.


luthien said...

oh my fren... it seems extra hard on days like these, i know. but as you contemplate hopefully you will be able to make peace with yourself. only by making peace with your inner soul you would be able to see all of these trials and tribulations in a different light. a fren once told me that nothing happens by chance. you may not know or wish to know the reasons for it happening now, but one day it will become apparent and everything will fit into the puzzle perfectly. there is a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you :) so go forth and search for a lovely horizon that's waiting for you there :) big big hugs!!

laura evans/photography said...

thank you for sharing your holiday with us ... its wonderful learning about other peoples worlds so to speak. & whilst you are in a new place, & thing's are going to be difficult & changing you are still a wonderful person finding your way in the world & discovering who you are.

Ooty said...

Tali you are adorable!!! I am more than positive that all the best things in life are just waiting for you!!!
Shana Tova!!!

Mana Moon Studios said...

I understand all too well what you're experiencing and my heart goes out to you. You explain it all so eloquently Tali. Even now, years later I still have the same feeling you expressed. Just recently I realized the one I needed to forgive was myself, for making a mistake, but some mistakes just can't be undone. We just don't have a magic mirror to see into our futures to know when we're choosing the wrong person and in the end although those choices lead to pain and often bitterness they do make us stronger and we grown and learn from them.

Thank you so much for sharing these feelings, I have no doubt you're right, you'll go on and your life with blossom and grow to the beautiful garden you dream it of being.

the Lost Earring said...

This is really tough. I want so badly to give you great advice or say something inspirational. Then I think of the times I've suffered through intense change. The thing is, I think it's all about the process, the transition--not about how you're going to feel so much better on some other date in the future. The process itself is sad in so many ways, as you're not just saying goodbye to a relationship but a piece of yourself. And there's anger, guilt, resentment--a plethora of emotions to tackle. The wonderful part, the silver lining in all of this is that you get to grow as a person and discover, day by day, the resilience of the human heart and soul. What would we be without this? :)

tristan said...

Happy New Year!